With apologies to Richard O’Brien
Comments and suggestions to jameshscience@googlemail.com
Martha is sitting in the TARDIS library holding up a book called “Doctor Who – The Unseen Adventures”. She looks at us, puts the book down and then walks over to a bookcase full of videos and books related to other science fiction series.
MARTHA: (Smiling straight into the camera) Glad you could make it tonight…
As she sings the opening number she casually discards everything other than the Doctor Who merchandise on the shelves.
SONG: Science Fiction Four-Part Feature
The Avengers were cool,
Mrs Peel made me drool,
John Steed was an impeccable man.
Quatermass ruled the air,
Gave the country a scare,
You might say that I’m one hell of a fan.
But there’s only one thing
That makes my heart really sing,
It’s the show spanning all time and space.
It’s that classic of shows,
We all know how it goes,
So settle down and get into place.
For a
Chorus
Science Fiction four part feature,
Please don’t laugh at the rubber creature.
The sets are held up with tape and string.
But we prefer it to most anything.
Wo-ho-ho-oh-oh-oh-oh
It’s the all time longest running
Sci-fi show.
Thunderbirds were all go
But I think we all know
What they did together late at night.
And Blake’s Seven it tried
But at the end they all died,
Avon grinning was our very last sight.
We all know who’s the tops,
And no it ain’t those Star Cops,
It’s the traveller with the changeable face.
So come on gather round
There’s a seat to be found
And settle yourself into place
For a
Chorus
Science Fiction four part feature,
Please don’t laugh at the rubber creature.
The sets are held up with tape and string
But we prefer it to most anything.
Wo-ho-ho-oh-oh-oh-oh
It’s the all time longest running
Sci-fi show.
You’ve got to kno…o…o…..ow
Wo-ho-ho-oh-oh-oh-oh
It’s the campest science Fiction
TV show.
And books you kno…o….o…..ow
Wo-ho-ho-oh-oh-oh-oh
On the CDs it’s the audio
Sci-Fi show.
As well you kno…o….o…..ow
Wo-ho-ho-oh-oh-oh-oh
So let’s start the science Fiction
Four-part show……..
Martha picks the book up again and starts to read.
The action fades to the sixth Doctor and Mel, running through featureless corridors with the sounds of explosions going on all around them. They reach the TARDIS and the Doctor ushers Mel inside. Once in the console room, the Doctor activates the controls and the TARDIS dematerialises. Mel turns to the Doctor, not noticing the images of the 11th Doctor and Amy (D&A) being projected out of nowhere onto the closed scanner screen…
MEL: (bored) Another planet rescued.
DOC: (Smugly) Yes.
MEL: Another villain defeated.
DOC: Yes.
MEL: I’m going to get some carrot juice….
She heads towards the interior door of the TARDIS but the Doctor stands in her way. The intro music starts over which the Doctor speaks the opening few lines
DOC: Mel, don’t you have something to say?
MEL: Not really.
DOC: Didn’t you like the skilful way… (Mel tries to get past again but the Doctor stops her once more) I fought the bad guys and swept them away…
(The music begins in earnest and the Doctor launches into the full musical number)
SONG: Well, Mel
DOC:
The villains were bad but they soon fell
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC:
I sent them all off to their own hell
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC:
Gave the planet free trade so they could sell
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC:
I’ve one thing to say and that’s
Well, Mel, ain’t I swell?
The planet is free and will do well
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC:
Our names will live on and tales they’ll tell
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC:
How we locked up the King in his own cell.
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC:
I’ve one thing to say and that’s
Well, Mel, ain’t I swell?
There’s no need to fear when I’m around…
D&A:
Oh oh oh oh
DOC:
I’ll save the day and help the good guys win
I’ll run the baddies into the ground
Oh M E L I’ll soon wipe out all sin!
MEL:
It’s nice that you’re good but I’m so bored
D&A:
Time Lord
MEL
I know all the victories you’ve scored
D&A:
Time Lord
MEL:
The good side is something you’ve adored
D&A:
Time Lord
MEL:
But when all’s said and done I say
Lord, I’m bored
Can’t you tell?
Oh Lord
DOC:
But Mel...
MEL:
I’m bored…
DOC:
I’m swell
MEL:
Of you
DOC:
I know just what to do
There’s a place I’ll take you to…o…oo
The flowers all grow in a small dell
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC:
It’s pollution free so there’s no smell
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC:
It’s the Eye of Orion near Rigel…
D&A:
Well Mel…
DOC
We’ll head there now. I can tell
Mel
You’ll love it too.
Well, Mel
I can tell
You’ll love it too…….
We return to Martha in the TARDIS library. She’s got headphones on and is clearly listening to something other than the previous song. When she realises that we can see her, she takes them off in a hurry and tries to hide them.
MARTHA:
I’m going to tell you a story. You’re here so you might as well listen to it. It’s basically the bog standard start to one of these stories, the Doctor has persuaded his companion, Melanie Bush, to go to the Eye of Orion with him. Geeze… how many of us have fallen for that one eh? Anyway, as usual the TARDIS wasn’t exactly in full working order and the spares box was embarrassingly empty. Still, when’s that ever stopped the Doctor…?
The interior of the TARDIS and the Doctor is fussing over the controls. Mel walks in.
DOC: We’re almost there Mel.
MEL: You said that half an hour ago Doctor, I thought that travel in the TARDIS was supposed to be instantaneous?
DOC: It is. The navigation circuits are a little disorientated, they must have skipped a dimension or two a while back.
(Part of the console explodes)
MEL: What was that bang?
DOC: A gang-bank of circuits just blew. (He waves the smoke away and then activates the scanner). There’s a small planetoid over there, I’ll just set us down and see if we can get any spares. (Mel gives the Doctor one of her “I don’t believe you” looks) Don’t worry, I’ll set us down quite close to it.
MODEL SHOT: The TARDIS lands a good mile to so from the only building on the planetoid, a strange looking castle…
SONG: There’s a Plot
The Doctor and Mel leave the TARDIS and start walking towards the castle. The music starts along with the rain. The Doctor puts up his umbrella and marches on ahead with Mel struggling to keep up.
MEL
In the velvet darkness
Of this starless world
We’ve been hurled
Into mystery.
Can’t we ever do things easily?
Chorus
D&M
There’s a plot
VOICES
Starting at the castle-like place
D&M
There’s a plot
VOICES
Threatening the whole human race
D&M
There’s a plot, a plot
Will we ever leave this dark and dismal place?
DOC
So I parked the TARDIS
In the wrong place
Some disgrace
Can’t she ever see
There’s more to life than doing things easily.
Chorus
D&M
There’s a plot
VOICES
Starting at the castle-like place
D&M
There’s a plot
VOICES
Threatening the whole human race
D&M
There’s a plot, a plot
Will we ever leave this dark and dismal place?
11thDOC
The companions must get
Into danger
And start screaming.
So large a threat
That they stop the audience dreaming
Give them a fright, scare them just right………
Chorus
D&M
There’s a plot
VOICES
Starting at the castle-like place
D&M
There’s a plot
VOICES
Threatening the whole human race
D&M
There’s a plot, a plot
Will we ever leave this dark and dismal place?
The Doctor and Mel stand outside the door to the castle. Both are soaked to the skin. The Doctor presses the door bell and it rings with the Master’s theme from “The Daemons”. The door opens and the 11th Doctor is framed in the doorway. He looks Mel up and down.
11thDOC:
You’re completely and utterly… (he pauses)
MEL:
Wet?
11thDOC:
Well I suppose that’s one word for it.
DOCTOR:
Our transport has broken down and I was wondering if I might bother you to see if you’ve got any spare parts.
11thDOC:
(after another pause) I think you’d better both (starts to tell them what to do in no uncertain terms but stops himself)… no sorry this is allegedly a family show. I think you’d better both come inside.
He leads the Doctor and Mel inside
Inside the castle there are sounds of a party going on in the background. Stuffed aliens are mounted on the walls, some of them clearly shrunk to a very small size. The Doctor takes it all in his stride, Mel clings to his arm nervously.
DOC:
(to the 11th Doctor) Do I know you?
11thDOC:
Well I don’t know you.
MEL:
Are you having a party?
11thDOC:
You’ve come on a rather special night, the Master is announcing one of his affairs…
MEL:
The Master???
DOC:
Oh don’t worry, probably just an affectionate name for the owner of the house. I mean what would the evil Time Lord Master be doing hiding on a remote planetoid in a bizarre building surrounded by strange people that look awfully familiar and with the shrunken corpses of dead aliens hanging on the wall?
For the first time we see Amy laying seductively along the banister of the stairs that lead up in to the higher floors of the castle. She licks her lips and strides over to the Doctor. Jo Grant taps her way down the stairs and jiggles over to Mel.
AMY:
I’m familiar, you’re familiar… it’s all too familiar!
SONG: Let’s See the Plot Twist Again
11thDOC:
It’s astounding
Borders on creepy
How the plot twists
Take control.
So far it’s been linear
AMY:
Not for very much longer
11thDOC:
Because we’re gonna
Consume your soul!
I remember
Reading the Targets,
Plot twists
Were simple then.
But the series was cancelled
And the Virgins were calling
Chorus
ALL
Let’s see the plot twist again.
Let’s see the plot twist again.
MARTHA
They took a jump to the left
ALL
Then they went back in time
MARTHA
As the vortex they’d rip
ALL
You’d feel far from fine.
And as the past was changed
It really drove you insane
Let’s see the plot twist again.
AMY:
Things got dreamy
Dream sequences freed me
But could you read me?
No not at all.
We skipped over dimensions
With continuity mentions
And deluded
We killed all!
11thDOC:
Then the virgin’s were finished
AMY
But the range’s not diminished
Still nothing will ever be the same
The Eight Docs rocked the nation
11thDOC
Left us under sedation!
ALL
Let’s see the plot twist again.
Let’s see the plot twist again.
JO
I was flicking through a book
Jumping from page to page
When I suddenly thought
I’m in a different age
But things were all shooken up
It took me by surprise
The third Doctor’s dead
But on Dust he lies
I stared at it
And I felt the change
The plot meant nothing
Never would again
Chorus
ALL
Let’s see the plot twist again.
Let’s see the plot twist again.
MARTHA
They took a jump to the left
ALL
Then they went back in time
MARTHA
As the vortex they’d rip
ALL
You’d feel far from fine.
And as the past was changed
It really drove you insane
Let’s see the plot twist again.
MARTHA
They took a jump to the left
ALL
Then they went back in time
MARTHA
As the vortex they’d rip
ALL
You’d feel far from fine.
And as the past was changed
It really drove you insane
Let’s see the plot twist again.
As the song ends, the Doctor and Mel back away into the hallway and find themselves at the base of the lift. They fail to notice the lift descending and it’s cloaked inhabitant beating his foot on the floor rhythmically.
MEL:
Okay Doctor, I don’t think these people are going to be able to help us.
DOCTOR:
Oh it’s just a party Mel, nothing to worry about.
MEL:
Well I want to leave.
DOCTOR:
We can’t go anywhere until we’ve got spares for the TARDIS.
MEL:
I hadn’t forgotten.
DOCTOR:
I know but it’s an important plot point so I needed to remind the audience.
The lift shaft reaches the bottom. Inside the cloaked figure is facing away from us.
MEL:
If we don’t leave here soon then I’ll scream!
DOCTOR:
Relax Mel, I’m here what could possibly…
He turns round to face the lift just as the figure in the lift turns to face us. It’s the John Simm MASTER. The Doctor screams.
SONG: I’m Just An Evil Time Lord
MASTER:
How d’ya do I
See you’ve found my
Secret, Evil Lair!
But don’t get bought down
If you’re soon chained up,
All my wicked plans with you I’ll share.
Don’t get freaked out
By the plots that I’ve cooked
Don’t judge a plan by its cover.
I’m not much of a one
For thinking ahead
And the snags I’m sure you’ll soon discover.
The Master throws back his cloak. He’s wearing his immaculate outfit complete with bleached blond hair
I’m just an Evil Time Lord.
The biggest crime lord,
Go find your saviour.
Let me show you around
Show you the things that I’ve found,
Let you voice your good intentions.
Then I’ll let you run free
In time to defeat me
With one of your cunning inventions.
I’m just an Evil Time Lord.
The biggest crime lord,
Go find your saviour.
DOCTOR:
I’m glad we caught you mid scheme
Time to ruin your dream
Going to set you right back to square one.
But I’ll give you the floor
Till the end of part four
When the viewers will see that I’ve won!
MASTER:
So you think that you’ll win
Gonna vanquish my sin
Well Doctor, don’t you boast.
By the end of the night
It’ll be far from alright
To victory, I’ll soon coast.
I’m just an Evil Time Lord.
The biggest crime lord,
Go find your saviour.
I’ve been making a man
To help out with my plan
And I think that he’ll win viewers back.
It’s time to start up the fun
It’s the end of part one
So I’ll let you know I’ve built me a Jack!
I’m just an Evil Time Lord.
The biggest crime lord,
Go find your saviour.
I’m just an Evil Time Lord.
The biggest crime lord,
Go find your saviour.
(spoken)
So, if you think you’re so hot
Come follow the plot
I see you shiver with growing frustr……. ation
Three more parts to go
So I think you should know
I’ll be the baddie…. But your coat’s the villain!
We cut back to the study. Martha’s sitting with one eyebrow raised in disbelief.
MARTHA:
Okay, end of part one. Go off and fast forward through the credits or something…
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